I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
