Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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