I'm drive I can fine osifer
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
