I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
