ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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