I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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