I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Randomize
