Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
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