I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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