I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
