I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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