who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
