I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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