today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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