I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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