how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
