Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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