i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
