like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i came on her dog
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
