I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
