just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
it was like eating out sand paper
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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