What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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