I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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