Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Too much gin, very little bucket
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
