I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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