I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
