There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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