sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
