I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
