we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
