You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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