Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
