you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
