i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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