Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
