I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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