Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
