What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
