I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
