I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
