I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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