I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
you never un-have a 4some
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
