I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
are you so shy because you have an std?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
