she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You have to summon your inner elephant
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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