Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
he thought i was a dude.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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