i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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