I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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