Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
