My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
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