It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
